Here we are in the middle of Advent. Christmas is soon and right afterwords is the coming of a new year. It's the time of year when we start new beginnings, spending quality time with family and friends. Maybe for a lot of us it's a chance to breathe after a hard semester of school. I know for me, it's the time when I start looking forward with a renewed sense of hope while also reflecting over the past year. For the past week, give or take, I have been thinking about how much of God's grace I take for granted, Not just what I receive but also what I could have received and have missed out on all because I don't take the time to pray enough. Whether praying the rosary, just spending time in adoration or just devoting a specific amount of time each day reflecting and talking to God, I flat out don't do it enough. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness and hectic schedule of life. I don't know why its so hard to do this as simple as it sounds in theory, because after all prayer is our lifeline! I mean if your parents want you to do something, how do you find out what it is? Do you go to your friends and talk to them about what your parents want? Do you go to people that know your parents well to find out? You can do that, but you won't get close to a good complete answer. The only way you can know clearly and fully what is desired of you, is to go directly to your parents and talk to them. It's the same thing with our Father in Heaven. The only way to know what His specific plan for you is to talk to Him directly. You can get good advice from others like faithful people you know, priests, family what have you. But unless you are talking directly to God, it's only advice and not actual answers. That isn't to say that God doesn't speak through these people because He does, but that is where discernment comes into play. It's also why it is vitally important to talk to God first and foremost.
There is this prayer guide tool that you may have heard of called A.C.T.S. It stands for adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication. In Adoration we are to proclaim and recognize who God is and what kind of characteristics He has. With Confession we have a personal cleansing, repentance and through that we put on the nature of Christ. Thanksgiving is for us to recognize and remember everything that God has done for us and what He will do. We offer praise and meditation keeping humble because we receive such an abundance of Grace and the least of which we don't deserve. With Supplication we are humbly asking, interceding and petitioning according to His will.
In thinking about prayer, it's important to remember that living a prayerful life isn't just speaking to God. It's making our life itself a prayer, offering everything we do in a physical sense, as well as mentally and spiritually, as a sacrifice and worship to God, for God, with God and by God.
How do we live out a life of prayer? In our pursuit of the invitation to Holiness, we are called to daily lay down our lives for Christ. We are called to take up our cross and follow Him. We do this by offering ourselves for His glory when we wake up. When we go to work, or school we recognize that we aren't doing it for men. We do it for His glory as witnesses and testimony to His goodness. On a larger scale, we are reminded of A.C.T.S. when we partake in the Eucharist. In Mass we see the presence of Jesus at the altar. We adore, then we confess that we aren't worthy, then afterwards we pray a prayer of thanksgiving. Mass ends and we are commissioned to go do God's will in our daily life the purpose of which is to draw more people into His fold.
If there is one thing I don't believe in, it's coincidence. Want to see A.C.T.S. in a way you might never have thought of? Look at the Liturgical Year. The Church in Her wisdom established the Liturgical Year as Advent, Lent, Easter and Ordinary time. Of course there are a few weeks of ordinary time in between Advent and Lent but that's the general way it's set up. I think it is nothing short of amazing when you look at the Liturgical Year compared to the regular calendar. The way its set up, I can't help but marvel at the way God works. Even in the midst of a lost secularized world, God calls out. When you line the Liturgical Year with the regular calender year you get New year, Lent,spring, Easter, Ordinary Time (which includes summer and fall), Thanksgiving,Advent, winter, Christmas, end of year. Of course throughout there are various other secular Holidays. Such as ( in America) Memorial Day, Labor Day, July 4th all of which are secular in design yet have a purpose that draws our attention to God.
In lining up the two years, A.C.T.S. becomes quite clear. The start of the new year is a time when we make resolutions. We recognize the need to change things and we try to change them. It's a time of beginning anew, starting over. It is in this time, we should start by seeing who God is. It is the time when we realize our dependency on the Unchanging God to change us, to direct our feet back to the path that we walked away from. Then we have Lent, where we are preparing to celebrate the Passion and Resurrection of our Lord Jesus. It is a time when the overall theme is reconciliation and Confession.We fast, and deny ourselves pleasures of whatever we "give up" to align our suffering with the suffering of Christ. We celebrate the start of spring and Easter where it is by Jesus' resurrection we are empowered to start the work of the kingdom where both literally and spiritually, we plant our seeds and God grows them. Summer comes along and we have to really work the ground and do our part so the harvest grows and is tendered to bear fruits as best as we can.Then fall comes where its time to harvest the fruit of our hard work. We have Thanksgiving [other countries vary on days and traditions of thanksgiving but usually still have a recognized time of observing harvest and such so the idea is still there] where we are thankful for the harvest we just had. It's also a time when we prepare to take what we were given and store it up for our families and others in time of need. Which brings me to Supplication. I am going to include Advent, winter and Christmas all under this. We start in Advent where we prepare to celebrate the single greatest gift we could have ever dreamed of. Our precious Savior, exactly what we needed and yet not what we had expected. They say the best gifts come in small packages, and here we have a precious, precious infant. It took 33 years for our gift to be fully known and unwrapped for what it was, but it started in a tiny bundle in a manger surrounded by animals and strangers in a foreign city. While people debate on when Christ was physically born, I think it is funny ( in an ironic way) that we celebrate His birth at the start of winter. We are called to take care of the poor and the needy every day, but it is in winter when their needs are the most dire. Not that its easier to be homeless or hungry in warm weather, but winter is when the elements are at their worst. The season of most need is when we celebrate receiving what we most needed. Even non believing athiests recognize the needs of others and do what they can at this time of year. Not that they don't any other time, just this is the time of year when it is most visually seen and when others seem to come together more than any other time of year. Even a secular world that doesn't celebrate CHRISTMAS, but celebrate...well whatever it is they celebrate at this time of year, in exchanging gifts (even materially), volunteering to work at homeless shelters and such, they take the time to put others needs and desires above their own. This is the point of supplication and petitioning. Not just asking God to take care of our needs, but really asking Him to provide for others what they need most.
Now all this was on the grand scale of a full year (and I was blown away when I saw it), but to be honest we are called to do it every single day. We are called everyday we wake up to: 1)Recognize who God is, 2) recognize that we have fallen short of our place in relationship to Christ, 3) be humbly thankful that we have received another day to live, and 4) to petition God not just for our needs, but to use us in such a way as to put on the nature of Christ and become the face of Christ as we take care of others as much as we can. I challenge you (myself as well), Implement this prayer guide. When you wake up in the morning, before you go to bed, or take some time out during the day to really talk to God. He wants to hear from you. Then after you have prayed, I challenge you to make your life a prayer and act out the A.C.T.S. of life.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Living the Big Three: Chastity, Sobriety, And Excellence
It's been awhile since I have been able to sit down and write, and here it is 4:30 am on my birthday no less. But this is when I feel the most like writing usually so here I am. Today I really want to go deep into the Big Three because its been on my heart and mind for a couple of weeks now. In our men's Bible study, we have been studying leadership and going over how those three apply, but with the size of our study and time wise, we could only go so far with each of them. Maybe it was placed on me because we just scratched the surface, but I think it's more because the deeper I thought about it, the more I realized those are the areas I struggle the most. As a man and as a christian , the deeper into the meaning of chastity, sobriety, and excellence I go, the more I realize I'm not living it out fully. I am writing this, one to contemplate for myself but mainly to share with readers everything I have learned while studying it. It is my hope that this helps you as much as it has me and together we can further our relationship with Christ and each other.
The first of the Big Three is Chastity. What do you normally think when you hear the word? If you are like most people, you think about sexuality and you think it means abstaining from, or not having sexual relations. In a sense this is right. On the surface it seems abstaining is as far as it goes, but Jesus himself said that if you lusted after a woman in your heart you were guilty of adultery( Matthew 5:28). So physically abstaining from sexual actions doesn't make you chaste. What does chastity and being chaste mean? By definition it is the condition or quality of being pure. it doesn't mean physically not doing certain things. It means in mind body and soul being pure. That is why Jesus said what He said. He used lust as an example, but being pure means more than just sexuality. It means not giving yourself to anything that isn't of God. The old testament describes the people of God as an "adulterous nation" because they had turned away from Him and gave themselves to something else. How many times do we prostitute our souls for pleasure, or for something we want even though its not from God. Not to be harsh, but that's what we do. We sell ourselves short for money, or pleasure or countless other things. Another word for pure is holy. "Be Holy for I am Holy"(Leviticus 19:2). Our first call as Christians, is a call to Holiness. Therefore by nature, our first call is a call to Chastity.
The second of the Big Three is Sobriety. What do you think of when people talk about sobriety? It is commonly used when talking about drugs and alcohol. Not giving into being drunk or using drugs. Our bible study talked about drinking especially because it was among college students. But the truth is, moderation of alcohol and not using drugs is the SECOND definition of sobriety. The first definition rarely gets used. The first definition is stated as the gravity of bearing, manner, or treatment. In other words, when the situation is serious or requires serious focus to it. Ever been going along having fun or not really paying attention and then got hit hard with bad news such as a death or something? They are known as sobering moments. Why? Because its in those moments when whatever you had been doing, doesn't mean anything. You have that perfect clarity of the realness of a situation. You become clear headed and extremely focused on that one thing. Psalm 73 is one my favorite psalms because the writer has a profound sobering moment. Its kind of lengthy so I will just sum it up here, you should read the whole thing sometime. He writes that he had almost fell because of envy of wicked people. He says that they never seemed to get sick, that they got wealthy and how unfair it was. He talks about how they are strong and how people turn to them. Then the envy kicks in. He talks about how maybe having a pure heart was in vain because it seemed like every moment he was afflicted and every day brought new punishments. It troubled him deeply that he even thought this way. But then he says he went into the sanctuary of God. There he sees the end of the wicked and what their destination really was. Then he completely repents and turns back to God and here is my favorite verse. "My heart and my flesh may fail me, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever."(Psalm 73:26) I would say that was a sobering moment for him. He had been wandering in his thoughts when it struck him that their destination was destruction. That final destination that he saw gave him clarity and made him sober minded. He wasn't drunk, but he had gotten caught up in the cares of what he was seeing. How many times do we get swept away either in sinful ways where we are jealous or even in ways that aren't sinful but they still distract us from that final destination?
The final of the the three is Excellence. It seems fairly straightforward and self expanatory, but I want to go a little bit deeper than that. Usually, excellence is thought of in terms of academics or sports. Something where someone is beyond the others or above them. When you think of someone who excels at something, what do you think of? Noble prize winners, valedictorians, MVP of the superbowl? This is the normal way of thinking about excellence, but what does God say on the matter? Here is an example of someone who, by our standards excelled because they were apostles.
20 Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. 21 “What is it you want?” he asked.She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.” 22 “You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?”
“We can,” they answered.23 Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”24 When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. 25 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave."(Matthew 20:20-27)
In this example, we have the mother of two disciples who asks for her sons to have a higher place. Not that they would be better, but that they would have a higher place in the kingdom.What mother doesn't want to be proud and have their children in a higher place especially when its GOD we are talking about?? But Jesus makes it plain to them, that it wasn't about being in a better position than anyone else. The end goal isn't like at a corporation where you work to climb the ladder. The end goal is to hear the words "My good and faithful servant, come in." For us to truely live out Excellence, it means to not just do our best but to give all of ourselves into what we do. The greatest musicians, and actors don't do it for the money ( not all of them anyways). they do it because that's their passion and so they give themselves to it fully."And in whatever you do,whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."(Colossians 3:17)
How do these three tie into each other? What do they have in common? They all three stem from the same end goal. With Chastity, its, saving your mind body and soul for things that are of the Lord. Its not giving yourself over to desires or worldly things. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said this,"The essence of chastity is not the suppression of lust, but the total orientation of one's life towards a goal" (Dietrich Bonhoeffer Letters and Papers from Prison). With sobriety, its keeping your mind clear in light of eternity. For instance, playing video games isn't a sin, but I know for me, its easy to spend hours at a time playing online. Sobriety is about the gravity of the situation though in light of eternity. With Excellence, its about devoting ourselves fully to a cause for Christ.
There are a lot of tools and things that can help us along the way such as prayer, adoration and the like and if you want to talk, message me and I can help you. But I want to break it down to some simple questions you can ask yourself and these questions will help you develop growth in these virtues as well. Asking yourself these questions in big decisions is important, but its also important in little decisions. If you can grow in the little ways, it will show and grow in the bigger ways.
1) Is what I am doing of God and for his Glory? If yes, then do it. If not, then rethink it. (Chastity)
2) Do things like this distract from eternal thinking? If yes, then maybe you shouldn't do it. Not that its bad or you can't have fun, but keep the end goal in mind so as not to be caught off guard. (Sobriety)
3) If I chose to do this, and its for the glory of God am I willing to give myself fully to it? If yes then do it and devote yourself! If not, then ask yourself why? What's stopping you or hindering from doing your best and giving yourself wholly? ( Excellence)
Feel free to leave questions and comments. You aren't on this journey alone and my goal as your brother is to help in anyway I can. Have a Blessed day!
The first of the Big Three is Chastity. What do you normally think when you hear the word? If you are like most people, you think about sexuality and you think it means abstaining from, or not having sexual relations. In a sense this is right. On the surface it seems abstaining is as far as it goes, but Jesus himself said that if you lusted after a woman in your heart you were guilty of adultery( Matthew 5:28). So physically abstaining from sexual actions doesn't make you chaste. What does chastity and being chaste mean? By definition it is the condition or quality of being pure. it doesn't mean physically not doing certain things. It means in mind body and soul being pure. That is why Jesus said what He said. He used lust as an example, but being pure means more than just sexuality. It means not giving yourself to anything that isn't of God. The old testament describes the people of God as an "adulterous nation" because they had turned away from Him and gave themselves to something else. How many times do we prostitute our souls for pleasure, or for something we want even though its not from God. Not to be harsh, but that's what we do. We sell ourselves short for money, or pleasure or countless other things. Another word for pure is holy. "Be Holy for I am Holy"(Leviticus 19:2). Our first call as Christians, is a call to Holiness. Therefore by nature, our first call is a call to Chastity.
The second of the Big Three is Sobriety. What do you think of when people talk about sobriety? It is commonly used when talking about drugs and alcohol. Not giving into being drunk or using drugs. Our bible study talked about drinking especially because it was among college students. But the truth is, moderation of alcohol and not using drugs is the SECOND definition of sobriety. The first definition rarely gets used. The first definition is stated as the gravity of bearing, manner, or treatment. In other words, when the situation is serious or requires serious focus to it. Ever been going along having fun or not really paying attention and then got hit hard with bad news such as a death or something? They are known as sobering moments. Why? Because its in those moments when whatever you had been doing, doesn't mean anything. You have that perfect clarity of the realness of a situation. You become clear headed and extremely focused on that one thing. Psalm 73 is one my favorite psalms because the writer has a profound sobering moment. Its kind of lengthy so I will just sum it up here, you should read the whole thing sometime. He writes that he had almost fell because of envy of wicked people. He says that they never seemed to get sick, that they got wealthy and how unfair it was. He talks about how they are strong and how people turn to them. Then the envy kicks in. He talks about how maybe having a pure heart was in vain because it seemed like every moment he was afflicted and every day brought new punishments. It troubled him deeply that he even thought this way. But then he says he went into the sanctuary of God. There he sees the end of the wicked and what their destination really was. Then he completely repents and turns back to God and here is my favorite verse. "My heart and my flesh may fail me, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever."(Psalm 73:26) I would say that was a sobering moment for him. He had been wandering in his thoughts when it struck him that their destination was destruction. That final destination that he saw gave him clarity and made him sober minded. He wasn't drunk, but he had gotten caught up in the cares of what he was seeing. How many times do we get swept away either in sinful ways where we are jealous or even in ways that aren't sinful but they still distract us from that final destination?
The final of the the three is Excellence. It seems fairly straightforward and self expanatory, but I want to go a little bit deeper than that. Usually, excellence is thought of in terms of academics or sports. Something where someone is beyond the others or above them. When you think of someone who excels at something, what do you think of? Noble prize winners, valedictorians, MVP of the superbowl? This is the normal way of thinking about excellence, but what does God say on the matter? Here is an example of someone who, by our standards excelled because they were apostles.
20 Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. 21 “What is it you want?” he asked.She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.” 22 “You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?”
“We can,” they answered.23 Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”24 When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. 25 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave."(Matthew 20:20-27)
In this example, we have the mother of two disciples who asks for her sons to have a higher place. Not that they would be better, but that they would have a higher place in the kingdom.What mother doesn't want to be proud and have their children in a higher place especially when its GOD we are talking about?? But Jesus makes it plain to them, that it wasn't about being in a better position than anyone else. The end goal isn't like at a corporation where you work to climb the ladder. The end goal is to hear the words "My good and faithful servant, come in." For us to truely live out Excellence, it means to not just do our best but to give all of ourselves into what we do. The greatest musicians, and actors don't do it for the money ( not all of them anyways). they do it because that's their passion and so they give themselves to it fully."And in whatever you do,whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."(Colossians 3:17)
How do these three tie into each other? What do they have in common? They all three stem from the same end goal. With Chastity, its, saving your mind body and soul for things that are of the Lord. Its not giving yourself over to desires or worldly things. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said this,"The essence of chastity is not the suppression of lust, but the total orientation of one's life towards a goal" (Dietrich Bonhoeffer Letters and Papers from Prison). With sobriety, its keeping your mind clear in light of eternity. For instance, playing video games isn't a sin, but I know for me, its easy to spend hours at a time playing online. Sobriety is about the gravity of the situation though in light of eternity. With Excellence, its about devoting ourselves fully to a cause for Christ.
There are a lot of tools and things that can help us along the way such as prayer, adoration and the like and if you want to talk, message me and I can help you. But I want to break it down to some simple questions you can ask yourself and these questions will help you develop growth in these virtues as well. Asking yourself these questions in big decisions is important, but its also important in little decisions. If you can grow in the little ways, it will show and grow in the bigger ways.
1) Is what I am doing of God and for his Glory? If yes, then do it. If not, then rethink it. (Chastity)
2) Do things like this distract from eternal thinking? If yes, then maybe you shouldn't do it. Not that its bad or you can't have fun, but keep the end goal in mind so as not to be caught off guard. (Sobriety)
3) If I chose to do this, and its for the glory of God am I willing to give myself fully to it? If yes then do it and devote yourself! If not, then ask yourself why? What's stopping you or hindering from doing your best and giving yourself wholly? ( Excellence)
Feel free to leave questions and comments. You aren't on this journey alone and my goal as your brother is to help in anyway I can. Have a Blessed day!
Friday, October 7, 2011
When Dreams Meet Reality pt. 2
It's late and I am listening to Crown of Thorns by Danielle Rose. The song is enough to take me back to Palacio De Disportes, or for you English speaking people, The Love and Life Center. The clock reading 3 am reminds me this is about the time I would have woke up in Samos. Perfect time to contemplate and write right? I believe so. Last time I was only able to get through day one's experiences so let's see how far I can take it this time. I really want to dive into thoughts and meanings this time and not just state events that happened. I feel like day one was so huge in the physical that it needed to be written about but it was also one of the biggest experience of my life in terms of direct contact with the Divine so it needed to be shared in the way that it was experienced. That isn't to say the rest of the trip didn't hold exciting adventures or events but anyways I digress.
I have another song on repeat in the background as I write this and listening to the lyrics brought this revelation. Spain's experience can be broken up into three experiences, experiencing Christ, the Living Word, experiencing Christ in one another, and experiencing Christ in the Eucharist. It is in this present moment of reflection I can honestly say that the two weeks in Spain was spent literally living out Mass.
While we have big moments, and our continual conversion should be brought about by the Living Word, it is receiving Christ in the Eucharist and among one another that this happens most often.
The chorus lyrics that has me caught up goes as such: " And every word she says, brings fear and amazement, Do you mind you'll lose your mind? And the music of her footsteps keeps you running after her, running to your end. She's your end"
I don't know if this was the writer's intentions, but to me the song sounds like the Church. How we are no longer individuals, but we become part of a whole in Christ. and becoming part of the Bride is our end. And this leads me to reflect on Spain even more because of how much more aware I am of the closeness and universality of our Church.
The first thing that really struck me was how fast I became friends with people on this trip. I am used to going on trips with people and only getting close to one or two people. Anyone that knows me knows that I tend to be a people person and I have a reputation for knowing a lot of people on my campus and when I go out. This was radically different than any other time, so much that it was unsettling to me. When we landed in madrid and made our way to Terminal One to wait for the bus, I met quite a few people by name and then out of nowhere, I met Angela Kirke. It went from "Hello, where are you from?" to an almost 2 hour conversation covering conversion stories, prayers and incredibly deep topics for a first time meeting. This definitely set a tone for what was in store in more ways than one. Vladimir had some hold ups and wasn't able to get with us until a day or two later but we became brothers virtually on the spot. I couldn't tell you how many conversations we had that went deep for an hour or two at a time. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately for me, I admit that he even helped me out after I made the mistake of getting drunk on a bad night.
It took me a few days to finally meet and talk with our Austrian friends but almost immediately we were hugging like friends of old. Reiner, France, Herbert and Wolfgang were the ones I was blessed to get to know incredibly well. They had a lot of wisdom they shared during our time together. I remember after getting to madrid we would go a day or two without seeing them and yet when we did see each other it was hugs like we hadn't seen each other for years.
This happened with people that weren't even with our group. There was a group of Canadians visiting Avila while we were there. I remember talking to three of them. A young man named John and two of his friends who were both named Christina. Oddly enough, I met John and these ladies separately. I had an amazing conversation about our journeys getting there with John and then later on, I met the Christina's. It was a random meeting and when we got to what our names were they hesitated. One finally said her name was Christina and then the other girl said mine is too! Half jokingly, I gave them a hard time about how its understandable in a faraway land they wouldn't want to give their real names to a stranger but yet they didn't want to start WYD off by lying. It was a passing joke and when we did get to madrid a few days later I met them randomly again on a side street. John ran up and gave me a hug and the Christina's weren't far behind. I remember them telling John to tell me their names so I ran with it that anyone could have their friend lie for them. They pulled out their passports and said " look! We aren't lying!" I responded that it was the most elaborate hoax I had ever seen anyone go through. We had a good laugh about it and while it was jokes, here it was again this closeness that I could even joke with them like that. We met again later that week and I was invited to go with them to eat dinner together and we exchanged contact info. If it had been any other kind of gathering I don't think this would have happened.
While in Avila, I also met a Dominican sister who overheard me talking about FOCUS to the Canadian group. She proceeded to tell me that her brother used to be a FOCUS missionary in Denver and it catapulted into a conversation about how small the world really was. It is this reason I share these stories. They say that love is the universal language. I would only change that in the sense of Love is the universal language. There are billions of people in the world. There were millions of people just at WYD and yet it was Christ the fulfillment of that Love, that united every one of us there. "She's your end." Just as body parts don't do every thing on their own, there isn't a single one of us who can do it alone. Nor are we ever alone. There may be periods in our lives when we feel alone, or kinda out on our own, but no matter where you are, the Church is always present.
Which brings me to the next point. The presence of the Church and being active in your community is vital for you as well as the other people you come in contact with! After spending time with all these different people language barriers were bound to come up. Over and over when I was talking with someone whose native tongue wasn't English, I found myself inadvertently talking like them. Whether it was the Austrians, or the French pilgrim that Kate Burghart and I had the blessing to spend about two or so hours with on the steps outside the monastery. I constantly found myself either speaking broken english or I had to speak slow and use easier to understand words to communicate. I found that after extended periods of time, I would go to friends who were fluent in English and yet I was still talking the same way. Countless times here at home afterwards, I would bump into someone and my immediate response was " Perdon," or " Los sientos". Not even thinking about it it just comes out even weeks later. This is why community is so important and why it is vital that you have a good core of Catholic friends around you. As a sinner, I would never say I am above sin, but I do find it incredible how easy it is to get back into sinful habits even just in the way we speak when we spend extended time away from faithful people. Just an hour conversation was enough to unwittingly change how I was communicating. What if we spend days or weeks without getting that Spiritual strength and nourishment?
While we are on the subject of language barriers, I would like to share a couple experiences of breaking through that barrier. While we were in Samos, the first few days were a little rough to order things in Hostel Victoria because I know very basic conversation Spanish. I remember trying to practice and I stopped one of the workers on a smoke break. "Hola" I said. "Beunos dias" he replied. I then took it a step further. " Como estas?" " Beun y tu?" "Muy beun". At this point, he started a conversation about something or other that I couldn't tell you what he said. I understood nothing of it and felt quite silly that I just tried to be proud in what I knew. By the end of the week, I still didn't know a lot but we were able to communicate on such a simple level that it worked rather well. I remember asking the gas clerk how to say orange juice and he didn't understand what I was asking so I said never mind. This guy wouldn't never mind though because a couple hours later he stopped me and Jeff Runyan and had him ask me the question I was asking earlier in the day! It was these moments that even with these language barriers, we were able to communicate and it was incredibly beautiful to see and be a part of. The one that tops them all though, was the night that I walked back to our host family's house. I got to the subway station and there was this beautiful young lady sitting by herself and we had about a ten minute wait for the next train. I approached her and we began a 30 minute conversation. This was my first full spanish conversation and it was one of the most incredible intimate moments in my life. We talked about where we were from, our studies, our families, even whether or not we we were married/dating or single, and why or why not. As intimate as this conversation was, rest assured it was very chaste and christ centered. And it was so beautiful the way it unfolded... At the end of the conversation, her stop was one stop before mine, we said our goodbyes and then she gave me a hug and the traditional kiss on both cheeks. She said " Hasta luego" in such a way that you would think we met on the train everyday and that she fully expected to see me the next day. Strangers and yet we connected through this bond of Christ. That moment still remains as a fond memory that I don't think I will forget for years to come.
One of my favorite people, (if its ok I have one, I think you will agree its an acceptable choice) was Father Martin. The first time I saw him was when he stopped on the way to Samos. He was sitting a few chairs down from me and I didn't get to actually talk to him alot, but I did get to hear him talk about some things. The first thing I noticed was a Yes! kind of moment. If you have ever seen a movie called Inglorious Bastards ( I wouldn't necessarily recommend it if you haven't) there is this scene where the American's posing as Nazis get found out by ordering three drinks with the Pointer, Index and Ring fingers. The proper German way of saying three with your hands is with the Thumb, Pointer and Index fingers. I bring this scene up because I had never seen it done in real life so I had no clue if it was factual or just something they threw in the movie. When Father Martin spoke, there were numerous times when "three" would come up and while talking he would use his hands to emphasize it. He did it the way they talked about in the movie and for me it was just a neat little detail that I thought was pretty awesome. I had a chance to talk to him and go to confession with him and he really challenged me in every aspect as we talked. One of the habits I have been wanting to overcome ( still haven't but almost) was smoking. The morning of the Camino we woke up and I remember walking up to Father Martin. I took my pack of cigarettes out and broke all of them in front of him and told him I was done with them. I threw them away and it was emotionally harder than I ever thought it would be. Mainly because I made this connection that this physical addiction was a a manifestation of spiritual addictions and if I could overcome it, then the other addictions weren't hopeless. I was able to go most that day without smoking and Father Martin brought it up the last time I saw him before made our ways back home. He told me how he was never going to forget seeing me break those and throw them away. It has motivated me to fight this even stronger than before.
This brings up another thing that completely caught me off guard. The generosity of the Spanish people. Our host family was so amazing to us. They had seven children and still made room for four of us guys to stay with them. They opened their home, food computer and even the apartment complex's pool for us. They were beyond generous. The second night their reminded me of my family at home because the "Big" soccer game was on. Barcelona vs Madrid. The living room was packed with family and friends just like my family does during football season.
One of the biggest acts of generosities I have ever encountered was the day when we were leaving to go to Cuatro Vientros. I would like clarify that the act itself wasn't the best thing to do, but the generosity behind it blew me away. Most non smokers probably wouldn't like this but I hope that you can at least appreciate the thought and intentions behind it because it was something truly amazing. We all met at the church before we headed off, and I was in the parking lot. I had left my money at home not thinking and I was still trying to fight the urge to smoke. There was a gentleman outside who was smoking and I gave in and asked if he had an extra one. He pulled out his pack and he only had about two left. He then tried to give me those remaining two and I told him I couldn't take his last ones but he insisted. I thanked him being as grateful as anyone could be. If you have ever had the urge for a cigarette then you understand how big this moment was. But that was't the end of the story. As he gave me his last cigarettes, he said he had to go and so we said our goodbyes. Keep in mind I just met this man for the first time. About twenty minutes later we all had our bags and we started the walk to the metro station. As we were walking this vehicle drove up and the driver jumped out of his car. I noticed it was the same guy I had just met in the parking lot and he ran straight over to me. When he reached me he held out his hand and in it was a brand new pack of cigarettes. This man in his generosity saw someone going without, and as a fellow smoker he knew what kind of struggle that would be so he deliberately left to buy me a pack. In Europe, cigarettes are more expensive than they are stateside and these weren't the cheapies by their standard either. I repeatedly told him that was too much and I couldn't take it but he refused to take no for an answer. Again I was blown away by this act of kindness. Again I would like to reiterate that yes smoking isn't healthy and I am trying to quit so it wasn't the best thing to do, but the intentions and generosity behind the act was mind blowing.
If I could relive those days, I don't think I would ever leave. But alas the time comes when our experiences stop being experienced and become memories. While it was a blessing to have been a part of them, whats more important is what we do with what we learned. This once in a lifetime trip taught me to live out Mass everyday, to search to God with all our hearts in his Word, in one another and especially in the Eucharist. It taught me that True Love knows no limits or barriers that it can't go through despite our limited abilities. It taught me that His Church is ever present and that we can't just watch, but we have to actively participate in our communities. That our communities as small as they seem are actually a lot bigger and more tightly knit together than we could ever dream. It taught me to see Christ in the little moments, in every conversation. And yes even in a pack of cigarettes...
Monday, September 26, 2011
When Dreams Meet Reality pt. 1
Sitting here listening to it rain, the sounds remind me of so many things in Spain. I have wanted to sit down and really process everything that happened but it seems like so many things (including my own procrastination) got in the way. I feel like I can finally write about it now and tonight seems like the perfect time for reflection....
I actually had a chance to go to WYD with my archdiocese group and my priest kept telling me I should go with them to really go deep in community but something kept telling me to go with FOCUS even though I didn't know more than one person going. After the first few days I knew I had made the right choice.
The time leading up to this trip was crazy. I spent months talking to mentors and family about raising the money to even go and I remember dealing with the what if's? What if I can't raise this money? What if I raise most of it but I'm short? What if.... just down the line with every excuse and reason trying to drag me down. By the grace of God, it seemed like everyday I was inching towards the goal. This was my first trip out of the country and so I had to deal with getting a passport as well. I remember being scared that I wouldn't be able to get it or if they did let me get one I wouldn't get it in time. It came in the mail in a relatively short time and that was a relief in itself, believe me.
It seemed like an eternity just waiting for the time to come to leave and then all of a sudden the time had come! I was about to embark on a once in a lifetime trip and those fears started coming back, what if I forget this, or what if I forget that. Then almost last minute literally, my grandpa went into the hosptial just a couple hours before my plane was scheduled to take off. I was having an internal battle on whether or not I needed to stay because what would I do if something happened while I was gone being selfish instead of being with the family and they needed me? I almost canceled and looking back I don't know if it was selfishness or grace that told me to go ahead and go but I had everything packed and I started my long journey to Spain at 3 am that morning. My dad took me to the airport and there I was on my way. I waited in line for almost an hour before someone came to the counter to start check ins and there were about 10 people in front of me. Somehow we got started in conversation and the whole reason all these people were waiting for a flight was because the night before, they had been on a plane and something wasn't working right on the plane and the pilot had to brake hard at the end of the runway. Apparently during the braking, he had made such a hard stop that it melted the brakes and so they had to wait 7 hours before getting off the plane and here they were waiting for another one. Not what you want to hear before you take off, being pressed for time as it is because all the flights were so close together!
In the end, I made it to Chicago perfectly fine, no problems whatsoever and I was extremely early as it was only 5:45 in the morning. I ended up just walking around by myself for awhile and finally met up with everyone else. I was excited when I met the missionary waiting for us because I had met her the year before at training so I at least knew two people now! We finally made to it Miami no issues and then I pretty much slept the whole time from Miami to Madrid.
I woke up about an hour before we landed and when we did, I couldn't believe we were actually there. The terminal we were dropped off at was virtually empty. I couldn't believe there weren't more people and it really threw me off. Then when we got on a bus and went to terminal 1 to wait on the bus it made so much more sense. I hadn't seen that many people in one place in a looooonnng time. I got to meet some of the fellow pilgrims and I had an intense conversation with Angela Kirke that was thought provoking. I discovered that this is how most of our conversations would be but it was awesome to have such a good talk with someone I had just met. We loaded the buses not too long after and started our six hour journey to Samos. We made a stop at this restaurant to get some food and it was quite interesting. The setup was more like a banquet setting. So much so that some actually thought they had a wedding about to happen or just happened! This was my first experience with authentic Spanish food and they didn't disappoint. They had a "salad with meat" that ended up being a small spoonful of something like potato salad surrounded by four or five types of meat. Some of it I wasn't a fan of but some of it was quite good!
We finally arrived at Samos and the monastery was more than breathtaking. You could tell just from the walls that this was a Holy place...and we were going to be staying there! We had dinner and got settled in for the night. Little did I know that that next day I was about to encounter Christ in a way unlike ever before....
I woke up earlier than I normally would and was wrestling with going to morning prayer or skipping it. I was still in need of confession because being the procrastinator I am, I had put off going before the trip. Not a wise thing to do when you are spending hours about an ocean I should point out. I told myself that it was time for me to get right because I have a bad habit of waiting months in between before getting the courage to go. I promised God that if there was a chance to go I would go and after this struggle for morning prayer I decided to go. Lo and behold what was going on as soon as I walk in? Confession!! Ok God, I promised I would go and here you are giving me a chance to be a man of my word... So I went. I don't know if it was the confession, or the morning prayer to be open to whatever God wants to tell us, but something strange happened during that first scheduled talk we had. As a side note, when you pray to be open to WHATEVER God wants to tell you something, and you mean it? Yea He will tell you something.
Being raised in a christian home and going to a christian school, I had heard the basic gospel story a thousand times. Usually when I hear it, I have grown complacent to it like " I have heard this a thousand times, lets move on to a hardcore not talked about much teaching or something." This particular morning, I was at peace despite Jeremy starting the trip off with the gospel message. This time I wasn't complacent and unwilling to listen. Maybe its because this time I heard two different distinctive voices talking at the same time. One was Jeremy's voice sharing the gospel at its most basic and simple form, when it's at its most beautiful I might add. The other one was barely audibly above a whisper and it kept repeating, I love you. Over and over I heard this same whispered phrase. After the first talk, I kind of shook it off, like it was nothing but it wouldn't stop. Ever see the movie Good Will Hunting? There is this scene where Robin Williams is talking to Matt Damon about his childhood abuse and he says "It's not your fault". Matt Damon replies that he knows and shrugs it off but Robin Williams continues to say it over and over. Finally it breaks through and after an internal struggle Matt Damon's walls just crumble down and he finally realizes it wasn't his fault. It was such a beautiful scene and in a similar way, I was living it out right here, right now. I kept hearing this whispered "I love you" and at first I kept saying I know, I got it. But it wouldn't stop because I still had walls up that I didn't know about or something because after the second talk I was standing outside overlooking the courtyard, and I heard it in the trees as a gentle breeze blew. I saw this wonderful beautiful work the monks did, I saw the monastery behind that and the mountain behind that with the incredible greenery all whispering the same thing in unison. As I went into the third talk, I remembered the readings from Sunday before we left. It was 1 Kings 19: 11-13 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”
I actually had a chance to go to WYD with my archdiocese group and my priest kept telling me I should go with them to really go deep in community but something kept telling me to go with FOCUS even though I didn't know more than one person going. After the first few days I knew I had made the right choice.
The time leading up to this trip was crazy. I spent months talking to mentors and family about raising the money to even go and I remember dealing with the what if's? What if I can't raise this money? What if I raise most of it but I'm short? What if.... just down the line with every excuse and reason trying to drag me down. By the grace of God, it seemed like everyday I was inching towards the goal. This was my first trip out of the country and so I had to deal with getting a passport as well. I remember being scared that I wouldn't be able to get it or if they did let me get one I wouldn't get it in time. It came in the mail in a relatively short time and that was a relief in itself, believe me.
It seemed like an eternity just waiting for the time to come to leave and then all of a sudden the time had come! I was about to embark on a once in a lifetime trip and those fears started coming back, what if I forget this, or what if I forget that. Then almost last minute literally, my grandpa went into the hosptial just a couple hours before my plane was scheduled to take off. I was having an internal battle on whether or not I needed to stay because what would I do if something happened while I was gone being selfish instead of being with the family and they needed me? I almost canceled and looking back I don't know if it was selfishness or grace that told me to go ahead and go but I had everything packed and I started my long journey to Spain at 3 am that morning. My dad took me to the airport and there I was on my way. I waited in line for almost an hour before someone came to the counter to start check ins and there were about 10 people in front of me. Somehow we got started in conversation and the whole reason all these people were waiting for a flight was because the night before, they had been on a plane and something wasn't working right on the plane and the pilot had to brake hard at the end of the runway. Apparently during the braking, he had made such a hard stop that it melted the brakes and so they had to wait 7 hours before getting off the plane and here they were waiting for another one. Not what you want to hear before you take off, being pressed for time as it is because all the flights were so close together!
In the end, I made it to Chicago perfectly fine, no problems whatsoever and I was extremely early as it was only 5:45 in the morning. I ended up just walking around by myself for awhile and finally met up with everyone else. I was excited when I met the missionary waiting for us because I had met her the year before at training so I at least knew two people now! We finally made to it Miami no issues and then I pretty much slept the whole time from Miami to Madrid.
I woke up about an hour before we landed and when we did, I couldn't believe we were actually there. The terminal we were dropped off at was virtually empty. I couldn't believe there weren't more people and it really threw me off. Then when we got on a bus and went to terminal 1 to wait on the bus it made so much more sense. I hadn't seen that many people in one place in a looooonnng time. I got to meet some of the fellow pilgrims and I had an intense conversation with Angela Kirke that was thought provoking. I discovered that this is how most of our conversations would be but it was awesome to have such a good talk with someone I had just met. We loaded the buses not too long after and started our six hour journey to Samos. We made a stop at this restaurant to get some food and it was quite interesting. The setup was more like a banquet setting. So much so that some actually thought they had a wedding about to happen or just happened! This was my first experience with authentic Spanish food and they didn't disappoint. They had a "salad with meat" that ended up being a small spoonful of something like potato salad surrounded by four or five types of meat. Some of it I wasn't a fan of but some of it was quite good!
We finally arrived at Samos and the monastery was more than breathtaking. You could tell just from the walls that this was a Holy place...and we were going to be staying there! We had dinner and got settled in for the night. Little did I know that that next day I was about to encounter Christ in a way unlike ever before....
I woke up earlier than I normally would and was wrestling with going to morning prayer or skipping it. I was still in need of confession because being the procrastinator I am, I had put off going before the trip. Not a wise thing to do when you are spending hours about an ocean I should point out. I told myself that it was time for me to get right because I have a bad habit of waiting months in between before getting the courage to go. I promised God that if there was a chance to go I would go and after this struggle for morning prayer I decided to go. Lo and behold what was going on as soon as I walk in? Confession!! Ok God, I promised I would go and here you are giving me a chance to be a man of my word... So I went. I don't know if it was the confession, or the morning prayer to be open to whatever God wants to tell us, but something strange happened during that first scheduled talk we had. As a side note, when you pray to be open to WHATEVER God wants to tell you something, and you mean it? Yea He will tell you something.
Being raised in a christian home and going to a christian school, I had heard the basic gospel story a thousand times. Usually when I hear it, I have grown complacent to it like " I have heard this a thousand times, lets move on to a hardcore not talked about much teaching or something." This particular morning, I was at peace despite Jeremy starting the trip off with the gospel message. This time I wasn't complacent and unwilling to listen. Maybe its because this time I heard two different distinctive voices talking at the same time. One was Jeremy's voice sharing the gospel at its most basic and simple form, when it's at its most beautiful I might add. The other one was barely audibly above a whisper and it kept repeating, I love you. Over and over I heard this same whispered phrase. After the first talk, I kind of shook it off, like it was nothing but it wouldn't stop. Ever see the movie Good Will Hunting? There is this scene where Robin Williams is talking to Matt Damon about his childhood abuse and he says "It's not your fault". Matt Damon replies that he knows and shrugs it off but Robin Williams continues to say it over and over. Finally it breaks through and after an internal struggle Matt Damon's walls just crumble down and he finally realizes it wasn't his fault. It was such a beautiful scene and in a similar way, I was living it out right here, right now. I kept hearing this whispered "I love you" and at first I kept saying I know, I got it. But it wouldn't stop because I still had walls up that I didn't know about or something because after the second talk I was standing outside overlooking the courtyard, and I heard it in the trees as a gentle breeze blew. I saw this wonderful beautiful work the monks did, I saw the monastery behind that and the mountain behind that with the incredible greenery all whispering the same thing in unison. As I went into the third talk, I remembered the readings from Sunday before we left. It was 1 Kings 19: 11-13 11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."
Here was this gentle whispering in the old testament and yet I was hearing it this day. I remember thinking that after all the hours of fundraising, the months of waiting, the miles and miles of travel and all He wanted to say was I love you. I couldn't take it anymore so I went outside to the steps and sat there by myself and started to bawl my eyes out for a good 30-45 minutes straight. I couldn't take it anymore. I was emotionally and spiritually overwhelmed with this direct contact even if it was pure Love.... Just like Matt Damon's character, the truth had finally broken through in such a way thatI had never experience before because I had become complacent to it over the years.
If that wasn't enough, the truth is it was really just the beginning. I finally got myself together and went to lunch. Afterwards I wanted to go shopping for a rosary because I had left mine at home. See? I knew I would forget something. God had plans for this though. I went to about 3 or 4 little shops looking for one ( I didn't realize there was a gift shop and it was closed at this time anyways.) and no one had one. I don't know if something got lost in translation or what but it seemed like each shop sent me in different directions. Finally I see Angela Kirke walking from into town, so out of frustration, half joking half because she had just come from town, I asked Donde comprar un rosary?? Where can I buy a rosary?? She starts to get all giddy and excited. It kind of freaked me out at first because I had no idea what the big deal was. I asked her why she was so excited and she proceeded to tell me that after we had talked at the airport the day before, God had told her to give me a rosary that she had but she didn't know how or when to give it to me because she thought it would be weird to randomly walk up and say God told me to give this to you. Yet here I was of all people, asking her of all people about getting a rosary. Every hair on my body stood up and I had immediate goosebumps. We made our way back to the monastery and she went to her room to get this rosary. When she handed it to me, I saw immediately that it wasn't a cheap or plastic run of the mill rosary. This was a legit gunmetal grey Benedictine rosary. By far the best rosary I had ever had. I was speechless as she told me the story of how a priest had given it to her and as soon as he did she knew it wasn't hers and she had held onto it trying to find out who she was supposed to give it to. Sort of as an afterthought, she gives me a prayer card from Medugorje with a medal. She told me she had to leave because she was late meeting up with some people so I thanked her and she left. I was standing there reading this prayer card and just I had no clue about the rosary she wanted to give me, she had no clue about the experience I had had that morning when she gave me this card. I flip it over to see the other side and in bold letters all it says is " If you knew how much I love you you'd cry of Joy". I was so dumbstruck that I almost couldn't breathe. Here it was again this Divine Presence. He was reminding me yet again that he loved me. Almost as if He was saying you desired a rosary and I have given you one...
I am getting goosebumps just thinking about that day as I write this and that was weeks ago. The grace that was given to me that day to hear the Father's voice so clearly takes my breathe away. I honestly couldn't tell you if what I was hearing was physical or spiritually or just in my head but it any case, it was incredibly and undeniably real. And that was just day one...........(to be continued)
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Little Moments. Big Impact
It's funny how God works sometimes. Looking back over my whole life, the past couple of years especially, I can see the little moments where God was "tweaking" things that I didn't understand. It is these little tweaks that have gotten me to this place. I feel I need to revisit my past and write about my conversion so here it goes. November 20, 1985, I was born as Justin Eric Tabor. After two years of moving around, in more than one sense of the word, on June 13 1988, I was adopted and my name was changed to Justin Ray Parsley. This was a big moment, but since I was only 2, and was used to living with different people, it was just another little moment. I was raised by my parents from that moment on and it couldn't have changed my life more. My dad was a preacher at a local Church of Christ congregation. The neighborhood I grew up in was predominately Catholic and our family was one of 3 or 4 families that weren't. I went to a christian school from 5th through 12th grade. Up to this point, I was raised to believe that Catholicism was wrong, and that some of their practices and beliefs were wrong even if it was in the name of Jesus.
After starting college, I got involved with a christian group called Campus Outreach. This group wasn't Catholic, but they were different than the church I grew up in. At first I was really skeptical about listening to talks and bible studies because I thought they were wrong. Not because I knew better, but because inherently, if what you believe is full truth then anything even slightly different is in danger of being wrong. Religiously, this was one of the first real moments of "tweaking". God kept putting these people in my life and kept showing Himself through them and it opened my eyes that maybe other doctrines weren't automatically wrong. Little did I know it, but this little moment was leading to big changes down the road. I did the typical freshman thing and goofed off in classes and ended up having to sit out a few years because I owed the school money. During my time away, I fell away from the faith. I had gotten involved in a relationship I should have never been in and it sent me on a downward spiral spiritually, and emotionally. God finally got my attention after several attempts, and I moved back in with my dad. I had a lot of anger and resentment towards some situations that were my fault and so I wasn't going to church or anything at this point. When I started school again in the fall of '09, I felt the tug that I needed to get back into bible study again because I knew Christianity was the truth. One day while having this inner battle, a young man named Steve Rogers started playing a game of ping pong with me and after maybe 5 minutes of talking, something made him ask me to come to a bible study he was leading. A couple weeks of fighting with myself, I started going on a regular basis. As time went by I found out Steve was a FOCUS missionary and that he was Catholic, and that the bible study was Catholic and I'm not going to lie I freaked out a bit. I remember going to a thanksgiving dinner and meeting the FOCUS girl missionaries, and I realized everyone knew each other from church and stuff and I remember making excuses to leave early because I was afraid of what would happen being the only non-Catholic there. But again God started pulling strings and making little "tweaks".
I started going to Mass every Sunday night. I remember one of the most profound experiences I have ever had was when we went to an art exhibit called "Sacred Spain". It was old Spanish art that dealt with religious themes and I remember crying because of how beautiful it was and because I felt like I was close to a fire because my soul started to burn and I didn't know why. Not long after, I was sitting in on a deep discussion on the Eucharist teaching. It was Steve Rogers, sitting across from a protestant who went to the same type of church I went to and they were engaged in whether it was literal or representative. It was in this discussion, as I sat there quietly listening to both sides, that I really read what John 6 was saying. The verse that got me, John 6: 55 " For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed."(KJV). The NIV words it this way, "For my flesh is real food, and my blood is real drink." I got it at that moment. At least logically, and mentally I understood it. I was still fighting against the teaching because no one else had it. Everything I thought I knew about Catholics and Catholic teaching was slowly being stripped away because of that moment and seeing the FOCUS missionaries (as well as people at Mass that I knew) truly living out their faith. About a month later, we had a Sunday where our priest invited about 10 or so people to his cabin to go sledding and have Mass. It was here in this incredibly intimate setting ( we didn't have chairs or pews we had couches and love seats) that for the first time in my life, I saw the Eucharist for what it was. The true presence of Jesus in physical form. From then on, I would sit in the back of Mass, and I would cry because I knew I needed the Eucharist and I couldn't have it. It was too much for me to even go up and receive blessings because I couldn't be that close and not receive.
I started meeting with our Parish catechesist but it was too late to join the Church at Easter so I would have to wait for another year. I remember being tormented at the thought of having to wait that long and I would pray Divine Mercy Chaplets which was the first rosary prayer I had learned. I prayed them because I knew if I couldn't have what I needed, which was the Eucharist, I needed the second best thing which was mercy. At one Mass a girl named Yasmin, convinced me to go receive a blessing from the priest and through that urging, I heard Jesus telling me it was ok, that it was only a matter of time and that He would take care of me. I had an inner peace from that moment on. It wasn't even three weeks later, when my parish priest asked me to come see him because he had something we needed to talk about. I was a little nervous and freaked out because why would a priest need to talk to me and I'm not even a full member of the Church yet? I set up a time to meet him and when I walked into his office, Steve was sitting with him and that made me even more nervous. Father Ric asked me to sit down and told me he called me in because he had talked with Steve and Joe ( who was the catechisist). He then told me that he didn't want to make me wait a year if I didn't have to to receive the Eucharist and that he had went and asked the Archbishop for permission to let me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and my breath caught in my chest as Father said the answer was yes. So that Sunday I went to my first confession and received Jesus for the first time and it was the most beautiful moment I could have ever dreamed of.
That was June of 2010, and I started RCIA classes that fall and was confirmed into the Church on Pentecost Sunday June 12th, of 2011. About a full year after receiving and it was like a homecoming. I chose St Thomas More as my Confirmation Saint because he was the patron saint of adoptions which was a reoccurring theme in my life. From the passing around as a baby, to the adoption into my family to being baptized, all the way to confirmation it felt like a finalizing adoption. Everything before confirmation was like living with a trial family, and the legal papers were finally signed. I've come home now in one sense, but in another sense my journey has just begun. I write this testimony, so that maybe it will remind us that its in those little moments, a conversation here, hanging out there, whatever it is, even if we don't see the reasons behind it, God is in control and knows what he is doing. I pray that we learn to trust him more, because those little moments, have big impacts.
After starting college, I got involved with a christian group called Campus Outreach. This group wasn't Catholic, but they were different than the church I grew up in. At first I was really skeptical about listening to talks and bible studies because I thought they were wrong. Not because I knew better, but because inherently, if what you believe is full truth then anything even slightly different is in danger of being wrong. Religiously, this was one of the first real moments of "tweaking". God kept putting these people in my life and kept showing Himself through them and it opened my eyes that maybe other doctrines weren't automatically wrong. Little did I know it, but this little moment was leading to big changes down the road. I did the typical freshman thing and goofed off in classes and ended up having to sit out a few years because I owed the school money. During my time away, I fell away from the faith. I had gotten involved in a relationship I should have never been in and it sent me on a downward spiral spiritually, and emotionally. God finally got my attention after several attempts, and I moved back in with my dad. I had a lot of anger and resentment towards some situations that were my fault and so I wasn't going to church or anything at this point. When I started school again in the fall of '09, I felt the tug that I needed to get back into bible study again because I knew Christianity was the truth. One day while having this inner battle, a young man named Steve Rogers started playing a game of ping pong with me and after maybe 5 minutes of talking, something made him ask me to come to a bible study he was leading. A couple weeks of fighting with myself, I started going on a regular basis. As time went by I found out Steve was a FOCUS missionary and that he was Catholic, and that the bible study was Catholic and I'm not going to lie I freaked out a bit. I remember going to a thanksgiving dinner and meeting the FOCUS girl missionaries, and I realized everyone knew each other from church and stuff and I remember making excuses to leave early because I was afraid of what would happen being the only non-Catholic there. But again God started pulling strings and making little "tweaks".
I started going to Mass every Sunday night. I remember one of the most profound experiences I have ever had was when we went to an art exhibit called "Sacred Spain". It was old Spanish art that dealt with religious themes and I remember crying because of how beautiful it was and because I felt like I was close to a fire because my soul started to burn and I didn't know why. Not long after, I was sitting in on a deep discussion on the Eucharist teaching. It was Steve Rogers, sitting across from a protestant who went to the same type of church I went to and they were engaged in whether it was literal or representative. It was in this discussion, as I sat there quietly listening to both sides, that I really read what John 6 was saying. The verse that got me, John 6: 55 " For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed."(KJV). The NIV words it this way, "For my flesh is real food, and my blood is real drink." I got it at that moment. At least logically, and mentally I understood it. I was still fighting against the teaching because no one else had it. Everything I thought I knew about Catholics and Catholic teaching was slowly being stripped away because of that moment and seeing the FOCUS missionaries (as well as people at Mass that I knew) truly living out their faith. About a month later, we had a Sunday where our priest invited about 10 or so people to his cabin to go sledding and have Mass. It was here in this incredibly intimate setting ( we didn't have chairs or pews we had couches and love seats) that for the first time in my life, I saw the Eucharist for what it was. The true presence of Jesus in physical form. From then on, I would sit in the back of Mass, and I would cry because I knew I needed the Eucharist and I couldn't have it. It was too much for me to even go up and receive blessings because I couldn't be that close and not receive.
I started meeting with our Parish catechesist but it was too late to join the Church at Easter so I would have to wait for another year. I remember being tormented at the thought of having to wait that long and I would pray Divine Mercy Chaplets which was the first rosary prayer I had learned. I prayed them because I knew if I couldn't have what I needed, which was the Eucharist, I needed the second best thing which was mercy. At one Mass a girl named Yasmin, convinced me to go receive a blessing from the priest and through that urging, I heard Jesus telling me it was ok, that it was only a matter of time and that He would take care of me. I had an inner peace from that moment on. It wasn't even three weeks later, when my parish priest asked me to come see him because he had something we needed to talk about. I was a little nervous and freaked out because why would a priest need to talk to me and I'm not even a full member of the Church yet? I set up a time to meet him and when I walked into his office, Steve was sitting with him and that made me even more nervous. Father Ric asked me to sit down and told me he called me in because he had talked with Steve and Joe ( who was the catechisist). He then told me that he didn't want to make me wait a year if I didn't have to to receive the Eucharist and that he had went and asked the Archbishop for permission to let me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and my breath caught in my chest as Father said the answer was yes. So that Sunday I went to my first confession and received Jesus for the first time and it was the most beautiful moment I could have ever dreamed of.
That was June of 2010, and I started RCIA classes that fall and was confirmed into the Church on Pentecost Sunday June 12th, of 2011. About a full year after receiving and it was like a homecoming. I chose St Thomas More as my Confirmation Saint because he was the patron saint of adoptions which was a reoccurring theme in my life. From the passing around as a baby, to the adoption into my family to being baptized, all the way to confirmation it felt like a finalizing adoption. Everything before confirmation was like living with a trial family, and the legal papers were finally signed. I've come home now in one sense, but in another sense my journey has just begun. I write this testimony, so that maybe it will remind us that its in those little moments, a conversation here, hanging out there, whatever it is, even if we don't see the reasons behind it, God is in control and knows what he is doing. I pray that we learn to trust him more, because those little moments, have big impacts.
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