A little Backstory before we begin. I used to have an unusual technique when it came to reading God's word. I did the usual type studies like specific subject studies or specific book studies etc. But sometimes the technique I Tend to get the most out of seems the most random. I would hold the bible, close my eyes and pray for God to show me what I needed to see. I would then run my fingers over the edges of the pages back and forth until I felt the Spirit prod me to stop. Each and every time without fail I have had profound life changing revelations.
One specific time I did this and found myself stopping at First Chronicles chapter 17. The first words to jump out at me were "Here I am..". For some reason I couldn't let go of that phrase. I read the story and basically David is looking at how blessed he was and in a way started to question it. He wants to set things right in the eyes of God but God reveals things to him. David's initial response is "Who am I?". He questions it more but eventually has faith and says "You Lord, are God.". After reading this I found myself questioning where I was in life and who I was and that God brought me to that place. I questioned my purpose in life and God slowly but surely started to answer those questions.
I Write all that because I found myself in front of a Bible and I did my faithful random thing and found myself reading the same story about David except this time it was in Second Samuel. I find myself unable to escape that phrase again. " Here I am..." Though last time I questioned out of uncertainty, this time I am searching out of confusion, pain, anger and especially out of fear. The last couple of years it seems has been constant battle after battle through Hell. It has been one demon or another coming at me from all angles. No one would know because I hide very well. I bottle it up until I can't anymore and it spills out. When it gets super bad people start getting an idea because I write. I write poetry, lyrics, short stories or whatever. My bleeding heart spills out and transforms into the ink of my pen. As the ink dries the healing begins. But those are only glimpses of the surface. Echoes of a broken soul reaching through almost like a the whispers of a ghost caught on tape. Words are never truly enough and my writings tend to scare people as it is. Little do they know, if I wrote fully candid it would read as a suicide note. But I'm not suicidal by any means. The last thing I want to do is die.
That's one battle I will not lose. Despite all the visions, attacks and lies, I won't go. I do wonder why I am still here sometimes. I don't know how I made it even through high school even. Back then I was the loser. The one that was bullied relentlessly. The one you wouldn't be surprised to hear took his own life. But I'm still here. A few years ago the most popular kid in school , the one that had everything, he killed himself. But here I am. Even as I write this I have cigarettes on one side of me and a bottle of whiskey on the other. Some battles I win, others I lose. But don't be afraid because God has spared me from despair.
Fear on the other hand is a battle I constantly lose. Fear is part of the cross that I must bear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of losing everything. Fear of being alone and abandoned. The bible says over and over to trust and do not be afraid. Neither of which I have any idea how to do really. Inside I am a broken man, alone and afraid. Outside I am somehow a walking contradiction because I do trust and then everything gets shattered just as I feared. Every fear comes true. But by the grace of God I endure. They say it's brave or courageous to face your fears and do what you are afraid of anyways. But I don't feel brave, I don't feel courageous. Despite every past experience, despite all logic I still try. Eternally optimistic or gullible, brave or stupid, whichever you prefer. I feel tomorrow is always a new day with a new hope.
Here I am God. I don't know what your plans are.
Who am I that You have brought me this far?
But in the end somewhere deep inside I know, You Lord, are God.
