They say that the time we spend in college is the time when we discover who we will be for the rest of our lives. Perhaps this is why it is taking me so long to obtain my degree... All jokes aside, it is during these years when we refine the base of our lives politically, religiously, and even work ethics. We grow and learn in our teenage years, and people can change their ways in old age sure. But it is in this time of being a young adult in which we face questions head on. Who am I? What do I believe? What am I going to do for the rest of my life? These are questions that we have to ask ourselves and answer at some point in our life, but the truth is, there is no other time in life in which we are presented with so many ideals, and philosophies. No other time in life will anyone challenge the way we think as much as we are challenged in college or university.
I bring this up because I have been thinking about the idea of identity for a while now. From the world's viewpoint, as a nearly 27 year old I should have already finished school and started a career already. But God has a funny way with timing sometimes. I was raised in a Christian household, went to a Christian school and was heavily involved in my church growing up. I thought I had a Christian identity set in stone but then after goofing off my freshman year, I found myself out of school facing the real world. And while I still had an underlying faith (or at least knowledge of Truth), I had let my identity be stripped from me and fell away from faith for some years. Then in 2009 God brought me back to school and led me to reclaim my identity in deeper ways than I ever could have imagined. It was at this time He placed in my life some Catholic missionaries from Focus (Fellowship Of Catholic University Students). It was through these people, that a transformation began to happen and not only was my Christian identity being reclaimed, it was being rooted even deeper in Truth through the Catholic faith. Since then, God has been revealing not only who He is, but who I am in relation and what that really means.
Over the summer this year I had a chance to go with Focus on a trip to Ireland. I don't think they planned it this way, but everything about this trip dealt with "Identity". From the talks, to personal conversations, and even confession all brought about revelations about my identity. Over and over again, moments happened and I was left asking myself "Who am I?". Moments like when our plane broke through the clouds to make its landing at the Shannon Airport. Back at home in Indiana, my friends and family were dealing with record heat and droughts. When our plane came through the clouds I looked out my window and almost cried because the ground was wet. The whole week was around 65 and slight periodic rain with periods of incredible sunshine. It made me question like King David in 2 Chronicles 17. Who am I that I am blessed to be at this spot at this time? And just like King David, God answered " Because I have a plan for you."(paraphrased but the general idea).
There was a priest on this trip named Father Columba, and I was incredibly blessed to have many conversations with him. During one of our conversations, the topic of Liturgy of Hours came up. For those who don't know, the Liturgy of Hours is a form of prayer. It is a book that has psalms, and hymns and prayers that are prayed at various times during the day. We had paused for him to do his mid day prayer (he was very devoted to keeping to the prayer times as are most priests) and I had been interested in it but had never taken the chance to actually look into it further. I started asking him questions and he began to explain to me that the psalms and prayers are Christ's prayers. By coming down from Heaven, Christ assumed our identity being fully man, while also still being fully Divine. Father Columba explained how the Liturgy of the Hours covered that full spectrum of humanity to the divine and the divine to the divine, and that when we pray it we assume Christ's identity through praying. Here was this idea of identity again.
There was a night when our small group (we called them a "college", and the leader of our group was the college "dean") was having a discussion about how we could serve the young women who had been serving us by taking our dirty dishes and putting them where they were supposed to go. I immediately had the image of Christ when Mary Magdalene was washing his feet and the disciples got mad. That got me to thinking about the same imagery when Christ washed the Apostles' feet and yet this time the Apostles were mad because Jesus wouldn't let them wash His feet instead. I dwelt on those two stories because I felt there was a connection but I wasn't seeing it. After dwelling on it for a couple days I finally was able to see the connection. When Mary washed Jesus' feet, it was because she knew her identity. She knew that she belonged with and to Christ and because she realized that she was able to serve him fully, in this case by washing his feet. The Apostles weren't quite that secure yet. They were good at doing acts of love having healed people, casting out demons and helping Jesus in His ministry. The problem was they weren't secure enough in their identity to allow themselves to be loved as well. This is further proved by studying the type of people they are before and after Christ's resurrection. Completely different people afterwards because their identity was fully realized after coming into contact with the Risen Jesus.
At one point, my college dean came up to me after only a couple days and totally called me out. He asked me why I was hiding. When I looked at him incredulously, he asked me why I was running from God. My mind was blown because the truth was I was hiding and running. I had been needing reconciliation and had been making excuses not to go, and here some how, some way, someone recognized it and called me out on it. It got me to thinking about why I was hiding from it, knowing that I needed it so I went to confession. It was in this particular confession that I had some major breakthroughs and revelations that I had never fully realized before. My confessor was Father Charles, and it was through our conversation in the confessional I realized that every time I sin, it is a direct result of denying my identity. Every time I choose sin, it's because I'm choosing not to be who I am and who I was made to be. Father Charles then told me the story of Jesus' baptism in the Gospel of Mark. Jesus wasn't in need of forgiveness so He had no need to be baptized but He did so not just to set an example, but also as part of assuming our identity. Afterwards a dove descended from Heaven and a loud voice proclaimed " This is My Son in whom I am well pleased." Father Charles then asked me if I thought Jesus already knew that God was pleased with Him. I told him I was sure Jesus already knew this, at which point Father Charles told me that those words weren't for Jesus. They were spoken for those who saw Jesus become baptized and were recorded for us. When we become baptized and become part of the body of Christ, we are sharing in Christ's identity and God says "This is my Son (or Daughter) in whom I am well pleased."
When I came home from this trip i was processing everything I learned and I saw my college dean post on face book " #whatisfocusireland". I asked him about it and he told me it had to do with something between him and some of the other missionaries. I saw it as a question and I can honestly say, that from my personal experience, Focus Ireland was a revelation of who I am. It's easy to think of myself as one of God's children, or in other words a child of God. As easy as it is to think of myself in that way, it's just as easy for me to lose sight of that and fall into sinful traps again. I think it's so easy to lose sight of because often times it can seem rather abstract and and generic in a way. It's true, but it's also a thought that seems kind of distant from who and where I am at any point in time. I find that it helps to think of it in a more personal way. It was a thought I had in Ireland and it really makes my identity that much more solid. Because the truth is, as we grow in our faith, and as we grow older, we will change bit by bit. But when it comes to our identity and the base of who we are there is one thing that will never change and that is this. Who am I? I am my Father's son.
